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Signs your girlfriend is cheating on you

funny post1. She buys books

2. She has a cell phone.

3. She hangs out in graveyards

4. Smells like someone is cooking breakfast.

5. you hear howling, but see nothing.

6. She asks to borrow your car for a day, but doesn’t need to borrow the keys.

7. She takes your blood to the blood bank, but takes longer than usual.

8. She has the albums of Ozzy Osborne on her ipod, and her ipod has a picture of her in a coffin on it.

9. She can turn into a mist or fog.

10. Since drinking the blood of your friend stephen that one time, she fears the sun and likes dogs suddenly

11. She talks about “having a delicious baby”, but is on birth control

12. two words, she’s acting weird and wont’ look you in the eye, when she does, you black out

13. You keep waking up with Stephen looming over you, and not in a good way.

14. When you call her cell phone, her answering machine is just her hissing and saying “Nocturus Mortis”

15. She keeps saying “the sound of your thoughts is deafening, but not for much longer.”

16. She doesnt’ wear underwear anymore, she claims “for easy access for Stephen”

17.She’s currently burying you in a grave while she and one of your old friends feed on a stranger.

18. She doesn’t dig you up and let you out of this coffin for an awkwardly long time.

19. You have no oxygen to breathe, because she probably breathed it all with some other guy.

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51 responses so far

51 Responses to “Signs your girlfriend is cheating on you”

  1. Joeyon Oct 9th 2009 at 5:26 pm

    I tweet/booked this. It is funny.

  2. Asdfon Oct 11th 2009 at 11:35 pm

    Wow, this is retarded.

  3. PDFon Oct 12th 2009 at 3:25 am

    The retard who wrote it has been shot in his large trapezoidal head.

  4. SloppyJoeSkaon Oct 12th 2009 at 4:40 pm

    #19=comic genius

  5. mojason Oct 13th 2009 at 2:33 am

    uh that was stupid as fuck, was it signs she was cheating or a fuckin vampire, either was it was horrible, i want my 45 seconds back

  6. PDFon Oct 13th 2009 at 11:36 am

    Amazingly, this is a real comment that a real person made.

  7. rzon Oct 13th 2009 at 1:06 pm

    That was horrible and I regret clicking on the link that sent me here.

  8. PDFon Oct 13th 2009 at 2:06 pm

    The worst part about it was how Stephen deceived me for so many weeks. I know exactly how you feel.

  9. Your Girlfriendon Oct 13th 2009 at 2:11 pm

    I can confirm none of these are true.

  10. zan-zna-nazawawon Oct 13th 2009 at 2:12 pm

    That was incorrigible anti-aglet cricking on the lunk that sentry hear.

  11. beckyon Oct 13th 2009 at 2:13 pm

    why do i keep going to the internet?!>


  12. tonyon Oct 13th 2009 at 2:13 pm

    who is this douche bag stephen?
    this is retarded btw

  13. Barbara Hertly-Weston Oct 13th 2009 at 2:20 pm

    I think this is a great article. Love should last a long time. Thank you for being so candid and God will make sure Stephen gets his just desserts! :)

  14. clarissaon Oct 13th 2009 at 2:22 pm

    I love this article, because I think a girlfriend should be treated with respect.
    Love you Stephen.

  15. beckyon Oct 13th 2009 at 2:40 pm

    david is everyone on the internet. i now fear he is even me.

  16. BearFaceon Oct 13th 2009 at 10:14 pm

    This perfectly describes at least three of my ex-girlfriends, half of another, and 2/5ths of my most recent. Kudos to you sir, for preaching truth to the masses.

  17. Choneon Oct 15th 2009 at 6:41 am

    you suck at life….you should quit

  18. Warghuulon Oct 15th 2009 at 10:48 pm

    Epic Fail, this was the stupidest, most retarded thing I’ve ever read. I hope you die a slow death and rot in the bowels of Hell

  19. i dont get it!!!on Oct 16th 2009 at 10:30 am

    herp derp i dont get jokes so ill just leave an abusive comment instead lololo

  20. Megon Oct 16th 2009 at 4:53 pm

    I get your jokes, so I won’t leave angry comments. And even if I didn’t get the jokes, I probably wouldn’t be mad at you for writing whatever I didn’t get, I’d be more mad at the person who directed me here. Food for thought.

  21. LULZon Oct 18th 2009 at 12:46 am

    I luled at that one. Good job.

  22. Bobbyon Oct 19th 2009 at 4:37 pm

    This list sucks.
    (edit) And thus, I return whence i came, to the shadowy caverns of Al Brazu’lai, to my 6 semi-breasted wife, or, 3 full breasts, or 2 “hundredfifties”. You can arrange them any way ou want, so you could have 1 breast and 4 semis. It’s basically the reason why i married her, and why i rarely leave my cavern. When certain needs within me shudder off their dormancy, i seek a glut of lists, lists from all the world, to chew and store in my list bladder. LIsts, sweet lists, with top ten reasons not to go to O.J. Simpson’s house, or list of thinsg to bring to the beach, nourish me so on these brief escapes from my domesticity. But this list, this.. rancid.. putrid… terratogenic list… no sir. No. I shake my finger at thee! (/edit)

  23. juleson Oct 22nd 2009 at 8:26 am

    bored at work? really?

  24. Donoson Oct 22nd 2009 at 11:39 am

    why are you people getting so upset? this stuff is hilarious! try looking at life very cynically and maybe it’ll make more sense?

  25. anonon Oct 27th 2009 at 3:06 am

    Worst. List. Ever. I feel like I just wasted a bit of my life. This is ridiculous.
    (edit) And furthermore, I would like to RE-STATE the fact that I will no longer be attending Harvard, so long as their obsolete segregationist era policies remain en force, with respect to the whole boy/girl bathroom situation. (/edit)

  26. BWillyon Oct 27th 2009 at 11:17 am

    Women do suck the life out of you

  27. YOUAREALLSTUPIDon Nov 27th 2009 at 5:30 pm

    THERE IS NOT A SINGLE PIECE OF INTELLIGABLE DRIBBLE ON THIS “LIST OF ENGLISH PHRASES”. those of you who have responded with anything positive, please return your GED to the “organization” that “granted” it to you. it’s not fair to have you in the same gene pool as, I don’t know… me.

    Love, the rest of society.

  28. PDFon Nov 27th 2009 at 5:36 pm

    The best part is, this is so far over your head, you actually think it’s stupid. Classic Dunning-Kruger action. If you were smarter, you’d feel stupider.

  29. Anonon Nov 28th 2009 at 5:36 pm

    “this is so far over your head, you actually think it’s stupid”

    Not sure i get how you mean this. Like, it’s so stupid, it’s gone back into smart? I don’t get how a bunch of vampire tidbits called “Signs your girlfriend is cheating” is smart, or funny.

  30. PDFon Nov 30th 2009 at 9:37 am

    Someone smarter would get how it is smart, and funny.

  31. Melon Dec 2nd 2009 at 11:20 pm

    yeah? someone *really* smart would be able to explain to me how it’s funny. Someone like Ron Geddes, manager of the year 3 years running in the entire North Eastern “Goodyear” organization. Congratulations, Ron, on 3 straight years of service and tireless dedication to the sale of tires and transmissions.

  32. PDFon Dec 2nd 2009 at 11:26 pm

    Non-Sequitron has registered the existence of a sequitur. Scratch that! A NON sequitur!

  33. Uhon Dec 2nd 2009 at 11:50 pm

    I think I’ll write my own article:

    “5 Signs You’ve Just Taken a Shit in a Toaster”

    1. Sir Isaac Newton jumps out of your fridge and claims he invented electricity.
    2. You trip over a small hot dog.
    3. HAM!
    4. No one loves me.
    (edit)alt. 4 things that make sense instead of 4 randomly concatenated “thoughts” (/edit)
    5. A whale!

    There is no five because it’s meant to be IRONIC. DURR DURR DURRP.
    (edit) I added a 5 because whales are beautiful and I respect their quiet grace (/edit)

  34. JPGon Dec 2nd 2009 at 11:58 pm

    20 . Her name starts with a “T”
    (edit) 20. Her name can only be pronounced in echoed screams(/edit)

  35. PDFon Dec 3rd 2009 at 12:59 am

    All good points. I concede.

  36. meredithon Dec 4th 2009 at 6:35 pm

    wow. this series of comments is amazing.

  37. PDFon Dec 4th 2009 at 6:40 pm


  38. Khalid Ismail Al Zarounion Dec 6th 2009 at 2:03 am

    Noted! Now I can cross check and find out.. wo ho0 ha-ha-haaaaa… wait a sec, why am I happy?

  39. careenaon Dec 7th 2009 at 5:04 pm

    wtf? im sooooooooooooooo confused lolz

  40. Mandarinon Dec 9th 2009 at 12:54 am

    List = Shit
    Comments were hell funny. Amusede me no end (/irony?)
    (edit)Hands = so weird and big now, the treatments are having unintended side effects
    Phones = showing me videos of faces in pain, i laughed and laughed (/edit)

  41. PDFon Dec 9th 2009 at 12:57 am

    I love that people who hate the humor of “the list”, LOVE the exact same humor in “the comments”, both of which are me.

    to quote Todd Barry, “I HATE kellog’s raisin bran, but i LOVE post raising bran”

  42. zomgon Dec 29th 2009 at 4:24 pm

    wow…. not funny at all complete waste of time. Though, it should be noted that I typically spend my time researching ways to divert rivers to provide power for both mills and electricity generators in the central african lowlands. My time is of considerable value to humanity. If i were perhaps an acocuntant, a functionary, perhaps even a lawyer, this would not have been a waste of time. Actually, on second reading, i’m laughing a lot. The jokes are well written, and I actually get the jokes. yeah, this was pretty good. I liked it.

  43. stephenon Feb 9th 2010 at 10:02 pm

    yeah, your girlfriend is cheating on you.

  44. bobon Apr 10th 2010 at 11:31 pm

    gay 8=====D~~~

  45. Jeanon May 24th 2010 at 7:26 am

    Funny, Stephen did the same thing to me. Wanker.

  46. Jackon Aug 17th 2010 at 4:53 pm

    This wasn’t very funny.

  47. aaronon Sep 8th 2010 at 1:22 pm

    this is some of the dummsss shit i ever seen

  48. mehon Jan 25th 2011 at 7:13 pm


  49. Bryceon Jan 27th 2011 at 5:39 pm

    this was the stupidest waste of space on the internet ive ever seen. i would rather sit through 2 girls one cup again!

  50. retardon Mar 28th 2011 at 7:53 am

    NONE of these are funny….

  51. Al Denteon Apr 29th 2011 at 8:05 pm

    The only funny thing on this web page is that guy’s red face in the top right. Everything else, all comments included, leave me with the distinctive taste of scrotum in my mouth.

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