1. She buys books
2. She has a cell phone.
3. She hangs out in graveyards
4. Smells like someone is cooking breakfast.
5. you hear howling, but see nothing.
6. She asks to borrow your car for a day, but doesn’t need to borrow the keys.
7. She takes your blood to the blood bank, but takes longer than usual.
8. She has the albums of Ozzy Osborne on her ipod, and her ipod has a picture of her in a coffin on it.
9. She can turn into a mist or fog.
10. Since drinking the blood of your friend stephen that one time, she fears the sun and likes dogs suddenly
11. She talks about “having a delicious baby”, but is on birth control
12. two words, she’s acting weird and wont’ look you in the eye, when she does, you black out
13. You keep waking up with Stephen looming over you, and not in a good way.
14. When you call her cell phone, her answering machine is just her hissing and saying “Nocturus Mortis”
15. She keeps saying “the sound of your thoughts is deafening, but not for much longer.”
16. She doesnt’ wear underwear anymore, she claims “for easy access for Stephen”
17.She’s currently burying you in a grave while she and one of your old friends feed on a stranger.
18. She doesn’t dig you up and let you out of this coffin for an awkwardly long time.
19. You have no oxygen to breathe, because she probably breathed it all with some other guy.
I tweet/booked this. It is funny.
Wow, this is retarded.
The retard who wrote it has been shot in his large trapezoidal head.
#19=comic genius
uh that was stupid as fuck, was it signs she was cheating or a fuckin vampire, either was it was horrible, i want my 45 seconds back
Amazingly, this is a real comment that a real person made.
That was horrible and I regret clicking on the link that sent me here.
The worst part about it was how Stephen deceived me for so many weeks. I know exactly how you feel.
I can confirm none of these are true.
That was incorrigible anti-aglet cricking on the lunk that sentry hear.
why do i keep going to the internet?!>
:9999
who is this douche bag stephen?
this is retarded btw
I think this is a great article. Love should last a long time. Thank you for being so candid and God will make sure Stephen gets his just desserts!
I love this article, because I think a girlfriend should be treated with respect.
Love you Stephen.
david is everyone on the internet. i now fear he is even me.
This perfectly describes at least three of my ex-girlfriends, half of another, and 2/5ths of my most recent. Kudos to you sir, for preaching truth to the masses.
you suck at life….you should quit
Epic Fail, this was the stupidest, most retarded thing I’ve ever read. I hope you die a slow death and rot in the bowels of Hell
herp derp i dont get jokes so ill just leave an abusive comment instead lololo
I get your jokes, so I won’t leave angry comments. And even if I didn’t get the jokes, I probably wouldn’t be mad at you for writing whatever I didn’t get, I’d be more mad at the person who directed me here. Food for thought.
I luled at that one. Good job.
This list sucks.
(edit) And thus, I return whence i came, to the shadowy caverns of Al Brazu’lai, to my 6 semi-breasted wife, or, 3 full breasts, or 2 “hundredfifties”. You can arrange them any way ou want, so you could have 1 breast and 4 semis. It’s basically the reason why i married her, and why i rarely leave my cavern. When certain needs within me shudder off their dormancy, i seek a glut of lists, lists from all the world, to chew and store in my list bladder. LIsts, sweet lists, with top ten reasons not to go to O.J. Simpson’s house, or list of thinsg to bring to the beach, nourish me so on these brief escapes from my domesticity. But this list, this.. rancid.. putrid… terratogenic list… no sir. No. I shake my finger at thee! (/edit)
bored at work? really?
why are you people getting so upset? this stuff is hilarious! try looking at life very cynically and maybe it’ll make more sense?
Worst. List. Ever. I feel like I just wasted a bit of my life. This is ridiculous.
(edit) And furthermore, I would like to RE-STATE the fact that I will no longer be attending Harvard, so long as their obsolete segregationist era policies remain en force, with respect to the whole boy/girl bathroom situation. (/edit)
Women do suck the life out of you
THERE IS NOT A SINGLE PIECE OF INTELLIGABLE DRIBBLE ON THIS “LIST OF ENGLISH PHRASES”. those of you who have responded with anything positive, please return your GED to the “organization” that “granted” it to you. it’s not fair to have you in the same gene pool as, I don’t know… me.
Love, the rest of society.
The best part is, this is so far over your head, you actually think it’s stupid. Classic Dunning-Kruger action. If you were smarter, you’d feel stupider.
“this is so far over your head, you actually think it’s stupid”
Not sure i get how you mean this. Like, it’s so stupid, it’s gone back into smart? I don’t get how a bunch of vampire tidbits called “Signs your girlfriend is cheating” is smart, or funny.
Someone smarter would get how it is smart, and funny.
yeah? someone *really* smart would be able to explain to me how it’s funny. Someone like Ron Geddes, manager of the year 3 years running in the entire North Eastern “Goodyear” organization. Congratulations, Ron, on 3 straight years of service and tireless dedication to the sale of tires and transmissions.
Non-Sequitron has registered the existence of a sequitur. Scratch that! A NON sequitur!
I think I’ll write my own article:
“5 Signs You’ve Just Taken a Shit in a Toaster”
1. Sir Isaac Newton jumps out of your fridge and claims he invented electricity.
2. You trip over a small hot dog.
3. HAM!
4. No one loves me.
(edit)alt. 4 things that make sense instead of 4 randomly concatenated “thoughts” (/edit)
5. A whale!
There is no five because it’s meant to be IRONIC. DURR DURR DURRP.
(edit) I added a 5 because whales are beautiful and I respect their quiet grace (/edit)
20 . Her name starts with a “T”
(edit) 20. Her name can only be pronounced in echoed screams(/edit)
All good points. I concede.
wow. this series of comments is amazing.
Hurray!
Noted! Now I can cross check and find out.. wo ho0 ha-ha-haaaaa… wait a sec, why am I happy?
wtf? im sooooooooooooooo confused lolz
List = Shit
Comments were hell funny. Amusede me no end (/irony?)
(edit)Hands = so weird and big now, the treatments are having unintended side effects
Phones = showing me videos of faces in pain, i laughed and laughed (/edit)
I love that people who hate the humor of “the list”, LOVE the exact same humor in “the comments”, both of which are me.
to quote Todd Barry, “I HATE kellog’s raisin bran, but i LOVE post raising bran”
wow…. not funny at all complete waste of time. Though, it should be noted that I typically spend my time researching ways to divert rivers to provide power for both mills and electricity generators in the central african lowlands. My time is of considerable value to humanity. If i were perhaps an acocuntant, a functionary, perhaps even a lawyer, this would not have been a waste of time. Actually, on second reading, i’m laughing a lot. The jokes are well written, and I actually get the jokes. yeah, this was pretty good. I liked it.
yeah, your girlfriend is cheating on you.
gay 8=====D～～～
Funny, Stephen did the same thing to me. Wanker.
This wasn’t very funny.