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Canadian and American differences

In the history field, Canadians, as we know, are all immigrants from somewhere, not so of Americans, who were generated from pinecones by men, presumably from Atlantis, over 10,000 years ago.  This explains why Americans smell like air freshener and every few weeks, spread open their papules to emit seeds into the air.

In war, Canadians are famous for winning the battle of 1812, no less than 30 times, and always on the haunted ground of the Plains of Abraham, whereas Americans won the war of 1812 only twice, both times while it was raining though, so it doesn’t really count.

Did you know that the Americans invented the first cough?  I didn’t!  But Canada has a list of inventions of its own.  It invented insulin, and the apostrophe, which was originally used to inject insulin into conversations!

In Canadian schools, the students learn to read and write, do arithmetic, and understand the environment.  In am American school, children are brought in and rubbed against a vast felt shoe until they get hungry, then they are put in box with an egg incase they get bored.

Did you know that when Canadians die, because Terry Fox ran to Manitoba, we turn into a fine gold powder?  It’s a good thing we were accidentally born within the same geographical boundaries as Terry Fox, otherwise, we’d do what Americans do when they die, which is gradually decay.

It is now an established scientific fact that the only way to kill a vampire is to plunge a flagpole into his heart bearing the American flag.

A lot of American teens get pregnant every year, which wouldn’t happen if they weren’t so lazy, and would wash their greasy pregnant hands once in a while.

America had the foresight to import black people so that it could have an unfair advantage in the music, film, and outrrrrrraaaageous comedy industries, cornering the market, and creating trade rules that force the superior Canadian artists to rely on boring and uninteresting material, in a vain effort to turn their skin black.  Eddie Murphey was once Alex Sanders, of Moncton New Brunswick. (show close up of eddie murphey’s mouth from a picture where it is open, and reveal two eyes and a white face inside the back of his throath)

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Math Facts

Math facts

It was actually the myans who first invented zero, but they didn’t realize what it was, because they kept covering it with leaves and feeding it popcorn.

The ancient Israelites cut the tips off of their 4s, making them small enough to fit inside fives, which explains the jewish expression all 5s are 9s, and 5 – 4 is insane.

The Chinese minus sign was originally made out of lead, and resulted in transforming the mathematician population of china into the corpse population of the Chinese math corpse theme village, in which the corpses of mathematicians were dropped unexpectedly on pregnant women.  This was considered “pregnancy” by the Chinese at the time, as they had not yet discovered that the babies this action produced were nothing more then rotten organs falling from broken mathematicians, and not the terrifying Chinese babies we know today from the movie gremlins.

The ancient celts didn’t need pi to calculate the circumference of a circle, they needed it to calculate the circumference of their dreams.  Dream on celts, dream on, for duration times pi over Wednesday equals imagination!

Autodestruct sequence armed, said math, we have only 20 seconds left!

Dammit, we can’t leave until we know how many of those 20 seconds each of us 5 gets, considering sarge gets twice as many seconds as the rest of us, and we all get the same amount!  We’re history!” cried neville

Math threw back his bald head and laughed.

“I told you it was lucky he got posted to this brigade, Sarge” said Kevin.

“I’m putting you in for a commendation math”

“Come on, she’s gonna BLOW!”

Jendelson, come here quickly.  My octometer is broken.  Tell me, how 8 is this 8 on your octometer?  Really?  Thanks man, I guess I should have known you’d turn out alright, my sister has good taste in husbands.  Look out behind you!  A sky-4!  And it’s got binary babies!

The opposite of addition is subtraction, but the opposite of subtraction is living well and being kind to your enemies.

Many captains have remarked that using a simple device constructed of a 9 on the end of a string, they could at last sleep easily, knowing that a 9 was on the end of a string, somewhere, somehow, and that the 9 was bright red.

Math was invented to determine how wealthy people were.  Before math, people simply threw sand at each other and asked for a receipt.  Oh cruel fate!  Rueful spite!

Scientists predict that in the future a new mathematical operation called hyper-addition will usurp the role of both addition and multiplication, at which point numbers will start to mysteriously go missing.  Only surly detective Dan Trakes and his mismatch new rookie partner the streetwise rapper DJ Dandy Dan can find out what Trakes already knows, that math is now legally the domain of girls, because of the girls are math and vice versa law of 2267.  The movie ends with everyone wearing shirts.

5 is the only number with an exoskeleton.  4 is the only number with an internal 5.

Math was threatened in the 1920s because of a disasterous fraction fire, probably started by one of those 9ths.  I’m not a racist, but I don’t trust black people one bit.  And there was a fire in the 20s.

The only reason you can’t divide a prime number by any other number than itself and 1 is because of those strange glowing crowns they wear.  If only I could get my hands on one of them and bring it back to my lab.  Then my dad wouldn’t DARE divide me by 5!

Piece of advice, get off the heroin 11, looking pretty skinny.  It’s starting to show.

Triangles are the only shape in nature with their own innate ethnicity.  Though their ethnicity differs from our version.  Triangle ethnicity is a burning hot acid, whereas for us, it is a long white fish, which needs way too much attention, if you ask me.

Most feared of all the Viking ratios was 4:9, because

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Birthdays are Funny

As birthday season rolls around, i started thinking about the best things to hear at a birthday.

  • Open it up. not your present, but the emotional powderkeg you’ve been sitting on. I mean the gunpowderkeg you’ve been sitting on. I mean light that gunpowder you’re sitting on. that’s your present!
  • Alright, everyone, put down the butterfly wands and come sit around the birthday boy while he explains why we’re wasting our time here with butterfly wands.
  • Jen, come down from there immediately. Or don’t. Which is it?!
  • I didn’t know which size fit you best, so i bought you every shirt in the store. no just kidding, its a large.
  • That’s funny, i also had a dream last night, but in mine everyone was regarded with dignity. I call it dream 48, named after Train 48, which was the only manifestation of that dream i’ve ever seen in real life. The dignity of it all.
  • Okay Grandma, put your hands in these wet holes in the side of this thing. Do you feel anything? You do? Shit, call the cops. I mean. (singing to the tune of happy birthday) Shit, call the cops.
  • Now i want you to remember, we can always return the gift if you don’t like it, but it might die if we do that. If you can live with a dog maybe dying in a shelter, then okay, go right ahead and return it. Anyway, open your gift, can you guess what it is?
  • I know you wanted that passport to imagination “Lord of the Rings” on bluray. All i’m saying is, so what?
  • Everybody, close your eyes and close your mouths as tightly as you can. Whatever’s about to happen can easily get in your mouths.
  • Who wants to cut the cake other than my son?
  • Yep, more LEGO. Naw, its megablox. Sorry. OH wait, it’s LEGO. Well, there are no accidents, that’s what I always say.

At a 30th birthday.

  • I used to really have a crush on you and you never took advantage of that and now we’re both old and gross so who cares, right?
  • Yep, now a birthday is just having a beer with a couple of bald guys. Drink up though, we all have to go home to sleep becuase we have jobs to get up for.
  • For my birthday, i got chilli pepper lights for my one bedroom apartment, and an asian lantern to put over the bare lightbulb in my lonely one bedroom apartment.

at a 100th birthday

  • No, just stitch the sack closed. He won’t notice. He will? Well, we won’t notice, and we’re the ones paying you to put him in a sack.
  • Wanna go surfing? I’m just kidding, I know you’d be way too scared to go surfing. You’re not too scared to go hugging though are you? No? Okay. Bring in the young boys for their naked hugs.
  • If you leave the candles unblown, then you technically aren’t 100 yet and you wont’ age! So don’t blow those out whatever you do! *ACHOO* Oh shoot sorry. Happy 100th! Yay!

    200th birthday

    • Today we gather to celebrate the birth of the Principality of Hisperia, which, 200 years ago today, was founded by an old tycoon, his gangly friend, their military of 4 guys in period costumes, and a wise-cracking baby who played the trumpet.

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    Day 31: Negative Gravoltage Flows


    The Galgravolt, a fearsome beast created while (Name deleted) was had reverted to a maker after his splunders had been depleted and he was trapped in the 21st century, was a beast that when born believed it was an Otter. The galgravolt was a slave to preconceptions; which was its strength. As such, if it ever realized it was a Galgravolt, it would behave as people expected a galgravolt to act; it would act as the most fearsome animal ever created by the makers. naturally, it spent most of its time crushing clams on its belly in shallow water, the stereotypical otter’s behaviour. Sometimes they could be convinced that they were Matthieu Mconnaughoise, the french Matthew McConnaughey clone from 2854. He was exactly the same as the first Matthew, only he spoke french and ate yeast deposits he grew on his incarnate ethnicity. (in those days, a person’s ethnicity lived as a discreet organism, walking beside them in the body of a polar bear. And on that bear grew yeast all over itself to feed people. This was a result of the presupposition that ethnicity sustained a person, defining “where they came from”, if you can believe it, and a person became totally dependent on their ethnicity for survival. They were also dependent on Yamtalkers for survival, but we’ll deal with that later.) At this very moment, our friend from the hyper-future, Tyra Banks, was fleeing to the hospital to have his bullet wound treated. Would he make it before the Galgravolt devoured Toronto?

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    Day 30: 1 moon


    Meanwhile, back inside the dream inside the frown

    The dream ended.

    I awoke to find myself lying on the ground outside the hospital where I realized i had been enfrowned. In my gripping lobe I gripped a sleek iPhone 3Gs, the tweet-shank newly bloodied by my frantic attempt to share my meaningless thoughts. I didnt’ feel any different, though my gas bladders were semi deflated. perhaps relinquishing a part of your identity to the meaninglessness of conventional life wasn’t actually bad. perhaps.. yes perhaps smalltalk was even acceptable.

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    3 moons

    embedded by Embedded Video

    YouTube Direct Style  In soviet russia, we have three moons This video is interesting and shows some of the wonders of soviet technology. However, watch the ‘star lit sky’ during the final segment, when they are showing the audio cassette. Is it strange that in soviet russia, they have 3 moons?

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    Day 29: Galgravoltage to the Utmost Maximum

    futureccapeMeanwhile, back in the city of Toronto, 2009…
    Vast titanic breasts on an enormous nude chest have just emerged from the city centre, ripping up everything from Bloor and Sherborne to Queens Park Circle…

    The man from the hyper-future, Tyra Banks, stands amazed at the chest unleashed by his powerful super-suit’s chestmaker. With him are the nerd he recently met, and soeone who looks remarkably simlar to (name deleted). But it can’t be him, can it? (name deleted) is sleeping, dreaming, even now inside the frown of the universe… then who is this man? What is his plan? And his span? Fan.

    The dials and knobs on my suit dialed down and knobbed down to the minimum. I was again allowed to utilize my own bodily limbs to control my directions and motions. how pleasing it was to regain that lost control.

    The night air swelled with the rush if heat of the heaving breasts on the now breathing chest, and with the cries and yelps of the hapless Torontonians who had, understandably, not predicted this occurance. Torontonians are notably terrible at predicting the emergence of body parts in the middle of their city, as their future history would bear out time and time again. Old Shafty-Cocks of 2140 really springs to mind.

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    Day 28: The Freshmaker

    futureccapeWhen last we encountered our hero, he was dead, in the sparsely populated afterlife of frown ejecta.  The Grand Frown of The Universe has realized that he could not digest our protagonist because he was unable to give up his personality to become banal.  Or so he thought!  In actualityville, the mayor recently decreed that much of this is actually only perception, caused by the distant human descendant’s matrix of understanding, his paradigm, created by his socialization, and his various lamps which imbue young human descendants with the necessary social constructs to be totally useless to themselves and society, as Barhalluu the Wise intended.  Due to these measures, one such socially integral force imbued by blaser (bland laser) was the force of self-doubt, or Doublington’s Force, named after Chauncey Doublington, the world’s first human descendant without self-doubt.  His irritatingly self confident poncery caused his extensively planned murder, and in memory of this horrid blitheness, the very thing he most lacked was burdened with his name (as at the time, people’s names were vast megalithic monumental structures, akin to the first Earth Layer’s Pyramids of Giza, only seeping nomenclaturational greases and oils.)

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    Retardation from new york

    Create Your Own

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    Old but funny – Graham Wagner

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