Archive for the 'comedy' Category
So this is what it was like to be dead. It wasn’t that bad actually. It was basically the same as being at a billy joel concert. Actually, since billy joel was a musician from 9 trillion or so years in my past, i had no idea whether that reference was amusing, but in my short stint in the 21st century i’m pretty sure i heard basically 30 or so people say that, and everyone around them laughed in the manner of the era, violently, through the lone oral cavity of the face. Imagine, laughing and eating in the same place. disgusting.
• Sweltering – the way we’d describe the heat of heartthrob Luke Perry’s body as it burned in that L.A. Riot #90sslang4 minutes ago from web
• Breath – gaseous coins we spent on air hockey and miniature tables to put our real coins on #90sslang6 minutes ago from web
• Punanigram – Mixing up all the letters stored in a girl’s vagina, in her letter pouch, to make new vagina words #90sslang10 minutes ago from web
• WWF – a charity that reminded everyone that life was a confusing maze of crises, and bathed ducks or something #90sslang11 minutes ago from web
• Laser Dandy – laser version of the phonocube that stored high fidelity recordings of children not learning to work for a living #90sslang12 minutes ago from web
• Clip Hop – a kind of music in which the rap beats are provided on one CD, and the vocals are provided in a severed horses hoof #90sslang13 minutes ago from web
• Bedazzlement – the feeling of growing old and realizing that few of your friends are left alive, and those few are really gross #90sslang15 minutes ago from web
• A Roll Hamper – the kind of car you modified so you could fit a lot more sandwiches by the typically 90s grappling hook launcher #90sslang16 minutes ago from web
• No Duh, Grant – how pre-teens dealt with shadows they thought were stealing their secrets – #90sslang17 minutes ago from web
• Candy Man – a man whose sneakers were covered in glowing gems that he presumably found in one of those 90s UFOs #90sslang19 minutes ago from web
• Steppin Around – willfully disregarding the good of the clan by marrying a woman of the clan MacGreggor #90sslang19 minutes ago from web
• Plague – a way for rappers to spread death and chaos through rural areas without sanitation #90sslang20 minutes ago from web
• Bluejays Baseball Game – anything that was good, or super eg “This is a real bluejays baseball game, your majesty” #90sslang21 minutes ago from web
• Lady of Falcons – a “sister” who really had it “going on” in the “haunted vagina” full of “ghosts” – #90sslang22 minutes ago from web
• the Gray Mistress – the internet #90sslang23 minutes ago from web
• Talk-pipes – the internet #90sslang23 minutes ago from web
• Babe Dracula – a guy who likes to date pretty girls and then post about them on his all HTML webpage full of <hr> tags #90sslang23 minutes ago from web
• Chesterfield Sunday – brutal slaying of children in a driveby, on a specially rigged sofa on wheels – #90sslang24 minutes ago from web
• Who is responsible for releasing the dogs out? – Question used to weed out weak links in the social hierarchy – #90sslang25 minutes ago from web
• Ka-Zong! – exultation of breaking free from one of those moist man sized cakes we used to get trapped in in the 90s #90sslang26 minutes ago from web
• Homeboat – A male urbanite whose home is in a rusty chest, that he thinks is a boat. Nice try, ding dong. #90sslang26 minutes ago from web
• Serpent Wizard – A man who slithers around the dance floor, conjuring bats. Who let that guy in? #90sslang27 minutes ago from web
• Here are some 90′s slang terms you dont’ hear much anymore #90sslang
2. You both need the “best of cameo” CD at the exact same moment, every moment, every day, ever.
3. SHe used all your white-out. You need white-out to “fix history”.
4. She says you cough so much you should be IN a coffin. BUt you are scared to admit that to yourself.
5. You both think Spaghetti Western literally means “western”, but it doesn’t. It’s a dish at fine restaurants.
6. If they don’t, Baron Graldivor will use “the device” on their children.
7. She’s standing on your foot!
8. She won’t shut the fuck up about your supposed god dammned anger problem.
9. One of you, i’m not saying which, has a terminal illness. One of you, i’m not saying which, has a lot of syringes lying around. Just saying.
10. You stopped having sex and the passion is gone. You barely talk anymore, and he doesnt’ have a job you respect.
Somehow, the suit had saved me, in a flash I had seen the world around me dissolve into an ambigious cloud. Swirls of color filled my vision and sense not unlike being asked to help your friend move from one house to another flooded my body. Why had (name deleted) decided to kill me? Did it have something to do with my confidence?
I beat this guy in starcraft. he’s the kid brother of a highschool friend of mine. Anyhow, he quit, and said it was because of any other reason than that he hates to lose, and then picked the funniest fight i’ve ever been the recipient of.
Admittedly, i was deffinately prolonging the conversation. I deleted a long long long long long long long preamble where he dissected the game and told me that my tactics were unfair, his computer was slow, and his mouse was no good.
its very long, but some highlights
He told me that he was more valuable than me, objectively, to society. When i asked what scale he was using to determine objective value, he told me that the transplant board of canada would chose him to receive an organ over me, 10 years from now, when he was a doctor and I was a washed up musician.
I told him that the transplant board woudl reject him summarily because he had hemophelia (which he does). He then said that the whole transplant board thing was irrelevant and I was going off on a tangent.
Later i asked him how he knew what he would be in 10 years. He could plan, hope, wish, work, but not know. He reitterated ht was a certainty. When i pointed out that no one is prescient, he said that i was missing the point, the point that he knew what was going to happen in the future.
Just some amazing feats of logic. Sadly, i completely avoided advancing any of my own beliefs or feelings. I just kept asking him to clarify his. that’s my favourite thing.
I guess, technically, James “won” the conversation, because he never became aware of defeat. Feeling defeated is basically defeat, so Sun Tzu tells us. So he is invincible i suppose.
Some of the key arguments to prove that i had a lower relative worth than him.
1) I make 8bit music, and thus, won’t be famous.
2) I have a beard sometimes.
3) I wear a winter cap when its not winter.
4) I don’t aknowledge that, alone of all human beings, James Fraser is capable of knowing his unconscious mind, thus defeating the entire underpinning of psychology, and disproving all known theories of mind and cognition.
5) I didn’t beleive in his psychic powers
6) I used his own arguments against him, proving i was a coward
7) I did the same thing his brother did (apparently), proving i am a coward
I don’t have hemophelia (?)
9) I am 30, and he is 23 (or 24?) (i’m not 30)
10) i stole ‘Adult Swim” (the block of shows on the cartoon network) from canadian/indian author Rohinton Mistry’s short story about adults taking swimming lessons.
i love it!
All of this started because he said the lag made him lose at starcraft. It really ended in a very sudden and surprise victory. It was though no particualr flaw, just luck that i won. anyhow. he said it was lagging too much.
But also said “(6:32 PM) james: and why is it my torrents are getting 100+kbps”
torrents + starcraft = lags? NEW FACT OF LIFE?
BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I JUST FORGOTTEN he has a son that he’s never visited once. He’s more valuable to society, but not to sure about his son.
Titles for the porn.
Somebody’s boss has sex.
Camera man discovers house of horny people having sex by fluke
Woman double teamed by men posing as doctors
Fat girl’s hopes unfairly raised by brief encounter with cowboy
Bus stops for lost porn actress.
Man smears soft dink around girl’s privates for a moment
Naughty nurse violates hospital policy and gets fired.
Grouchy hunk in glasses turns out not to be real nerd.
Jenna makes a lasting mistake.
Don’t wink at me that way
Cop relaxes outside someone’s car.
Accused looks right into the eyes of weak willed judge.
Man shakes someone’s sisters breasts with his tongue on them while at a pool
RT @internet Beauty and the Senior
Before me stood a white labcoat encrusted vision of awesomeness. His ignorance of my vanishing and my return meant he had no idea, no idea at all. He had walked directly into what clutches a man such as myself possessed, leathery and moist, and with gentle palpatations, fate was rubbing my facial features into a more pleased arrangement. If he thought me myself from an earlier time, then he would trust me, and i could isolate him, and slay him. This was too good to be true. Oh Tyra Banks, you are going to die. But how will that death affect me, and where was my Tyra Banks?