Archive for the 'comedy' Category
Another’s fluid voice marked its braille on my torpidscraller’s journal. A strange mind made its invasive way into the safest part of my expression, violating my sense of safetey, and so, my freedom to express myself confidently and without judgement. Maybe everything you read from now on will be biased to avoid revealing too many details about myself, just because he was reading. And writing.
Visionary Leader Brian Orser once’s wrote of a child being like a tunic. He was right. I realizd this now as I dangled from the talon of a fully grown Daniel-Dave-Hawk, the Brian of the Bradhawk family. A confused panic clung serpentine around my cortical bulbs, reeling through the air and unsure of where I was headed. There was no escaping the vast claw. Try as I might, i could not budgie my way out (get it?). Instead, like a turtle without shelves, I gave in and let the beast take me where he would.
I realize now that I have moved too far ahead in the story without giving you, my eventual torpidscraller reader, any crucial details on the array and nature of the plumbing that was encased in these strange and alien walls. THough this was not my familiar home, I did manage to ferret out a great deal of tidbits of useful information about the plumbing.
Writhing in explanatory torments, my cramped dwelling all crowded with loquacious horrors, i endured the meandering, almost wife-like, explanation of what task i was to perform and how that task related to the moon. Ah the moon, white mooney circular moonly moon. When bemooned, the man dreameth. Or so the bards constantly shouted from the bard-drome.
As the river of sun’s blood pours over the grains of hunk-rice, the rice that makes us handsome, I lay there sleeping, writing this journal with the torpidscraller, retrieved from the Axol tempest in last year’s adventure. Torpid though i lay, supine in my attitude, I clearly envisaged a dark eye, blinking in a swiling void of lightless horror. That eye. What could it mean?
A silly truffle.
I just wrote a long very sincere post about something, and then looked at it and went “this is exactly the kind of thing comedians make fun of when other people do it.” Am i losing my comedy powercells?
I need some kind of infusion, and fast. I am taking suggestions. Send your suggestions to 593 Bathurst and BLoor intersection Blvd.
Do you want to get diamonds? I will pay you in diamonds.
I am a world renowned scientist who has recently won a series of prestigious awards, including a Grammy, for my science research. Upon discovering the ubiquitous nature of Beldaine-Rayburn reliant metrion emissions at the ground state in a neutral cesium gas, I have, shall we say, made my fortune and am now set for life.
I am throwing a special party for those who have helped me in my research, which will be populated by actors portraying miniature versions of my staff (though the actors are full sized, they are using the Aschroft Method to portray things at 1/10 the scale, for instance, talking to people at the party, but small, or standing inside their own clothes, but 10% of size).
This party will also be peopled by nude females who will serve drinks, and observe the behaviour of a series of barium cylinders which are being bombarded by metrion emisions, giving off a fragrant light (i have created scented light, which is being modified by S.C. Johnson Wax Co. Ltd. Int. of AMerica to be made into a light which brightens the nasal passages of adults who are likely to be watching the average sitcom, 30-59 years old, on a wednesday night, preferably on ABC or CBS, and who purchase an average of 4 – 7 pairs of shoes per household in the typical fiscal year).
The women need the following qualifications
- They have a minimum breast size roughly equivalent to a Morganstern Flask (20 oz imperial, 591.5 ml metric, or 72891 industrial microlards) THis is roughly equivalent to a an actress I know. Her breasts are reputed to be a C cup.
- A fairly fit body, or, conversely, an obese physique. Can you call yourself portly in the mirror, and then consider yourself honest, without any delusions? Then you would be fine. And of course, a physically fit attractive woman is also the best option.
- Long Auburn Hair similar to Julia, my wife’s. THe hair must be able to refract metrion infused olfactory-lumens, or “smellight” as it’s going to be marketed. WHen you look in the mirror, do you look like my lovely wife Julia? If you are looking like that, so be it.
- Your own car.
- You are not a drug addict, or if you are a drug addict, you restrict your drug use to between 7:00 pm and 7:17 pm, the earliest of the 17 minute portions of what ABC or CBS consideres to be “Prime Time”, and which shows an average of 4 – 7 shoe commercials, per family, in a typical fiscal year.
- A willingness to indulge the staff in some lighthearted fun, some kidding around with props, and maybe a few static poses, or tableaus, that recreate some of the best photographs from my wife Julia’s marraige to her current husband, Mitchell, who is not a scientist, but is physicist. And of course penetrative sexual intercourse possibly with tiny miniature versions of my staff, for our amusement and for you to be paid for.
In compensation, i will give each of the women who participate in this a small bag with a surprise number of diamonds (real diamonds that i have become the posessor of throuh a series of interactions with the former owners). YOu will receive diamonds with a value between 10,000$$ and 30,000$
FAMOUS SCIENTIST NEEDS NUDE FEMALES FOR DIAMOND PARTY
$10,000 – 30,000