Due to his self doubt, he decided to ask an objective third party if he were dead, or merely trapped within a paradigm that was like death (perhaps Hegelianism).  What follows is extracted from the protagoniser’s gleam screamer ™.

…

The other man was in the form of a Methodist, and as his opticulated my torso and limbs with his oculonts, I gleaned from my mood groaner that his was moaning out a strong sense of recognition.

“You!” The waves of his outburst gallopped across my delicate membranes.

“You know me?” I rejoindered.  What a fool, he didn’t know iw as going to do that, i bet.  10 Greevalt Lamb-coins says he’s not prescient!

“Of course, or rather, i will know you–” he paused for effect “–IN THE FUTURE!”  The latter part of his sentiment was expressed with ominous arm motions and a grim look on his face.   The ocean of his face (a metaphor) became like a grim ocean face.  You see how I’m able to make you see images?

“Old man, how can you recognize me if you will only know me in the future?”

He just laughed at me, and gave me twenty canadian dollars.  He then combed my hair, while still laughing.  He pulled out a range of ties that surprisingly rated over Four Hearts on the suitability scale, and chose a 4.8er and gingerly tied it around my neck.

“This is the first time i’ll meet you, but not the last.  The last time i meet you will be the first of the last times i meet you.  And because it’s a first of something, i’ve technically met you one first time already, long long years from now.  Since firsts carry forward, in the direction they are facing, a first last faces the reverse, you see?  So that first is carrying forward relative to its own frame of reference.  That forward is our backward.  Thus, I know you already because of our final meeting, years from now.”

The chasmic void which we inhabited began to blow with warm gusts of stale air.

“That’s remarkable.”

“Yes it is.  Purely by logical construct i am able know anything, for you see, I’m a Rativore, an eater of Reason.”

“Ahh,” i said knowingly.  he had no idea i didnt’ know what he was talking about, but i squared my shoudlers to his, and mimiced his bodily attitude, while maintaining eye contact. i was winning this conversation.

“That and i live in three directions in time at once.  Forward for you, backward for you, and forward for ex-girlfriends.”

“A third direction in time?” I asked, while touching his body in a dominant way, witha broad open handed motion.

“Have you ever wondered with ex-girlfriends never seem to move on?”

In many ways i had, but i wasn’t going to show my hand.

“Maybe.  Maybe not.”  Booya.

“Well, that’s because ex-girlfriends live in a perpendicular timeframe.  They don’t move forward in the timeframe that you do.  For me, obviously, ex girlfriends move on rather quickly.  We Rativores are the third luckiest race in the known universe.  Not me though, as I am stuck in here.”

“Ah, the afterlife.  Kind of an anuser, eh?”

“Bummer.  Not Anuser.  But uh.. what do you mean afterlife?”

“Well.  I died.  In the frown?”

“Ahahahahaha,” he said each Ha as a separate syllable in a dry monotone, whie inflating gas sacks on his neck.  When he was done storing his laughter, the gas bags compressed, shooting his jocularity fog into my face.  I must admit, the effect was very amusing. “We’re not dead.  You idiot.  You’re only dreaming.  You are asleep, right now, inside the frown, after successfully giving up some of your personality by twittering on your iphone.  None of this is even real.  Except me.  I moved into your dreams last week, while you were awake, because it seemed like you had basically given up on having any dreams.  Since you clearly are using them again, i could move into your aspirations.  That’s a far more tractless void than this cavern.  But uh.  I have all my shells arranged here.”  He indicated several rows of beautiful seashells which he had arranged from smallest to largest.  “It would be a shame to have to move them.”

“It would.  It would.  Still…”

“What?”

“nothing.  You know.  It’s just… ”

“Ugh, okay, i’ll move if you want.  But look around, there’s lots of space.  If you realy dont’ ahve that many dreams, i mean.  I could even put up some of my own.  My goals are pretty great.”

“Gimme an example.”

“I want to own a boat.  Nothing too fancy, a 12 footer. And maybe retire with my 2nd wife to smalltown Ontario, and integrate into the community by volunteering to help it’s local historical society.”

“Say, that’s not bad.  You ahve a deal.”

“Good, becuase you’re about to wake up.”

“Oh, wait, what’s your name, and tell me about my future!”

“I’m Phile Maven, and actually you asked me not to tell you anything.  You made that very clear at our final meeting, just years from now.  You can’t even imagine, time is nuts!”

“What?  Why!  tell me!”

But it was too late, he already had his earphones in and was listening to his sleek, 3Gs black iphone, available at apple stores across the country.

to be continued…

• Breath – gaseous coins we spent on air hockey and miniature tables to put our real coins on #90sslang6 minutes ago from web

• Punanigram – Mixing up all the letters stored in a girl’s vagina, in her letter pouch, to make new vagina words #90sslang10 minutes ago from web

• WWF – a charity that reminded everyone that life was a confusing maze of crises, and bathed ducks or something #90sslang11 minutes ago from web

• Laser Dandy – laser version of the phonocube that stored high fidelity recordings of children not learning to work for a living #90sslang12 minutes ago from web

• Clip Hop – a kind of music in which the rap beats are provided on one CD, and the vocals are provided in a severed horses hoof #90sslang13 minutes ago from web

• Bedazzlement – the feeling of growing old and realizing that few of your friends are left alive, and those few are really gross #90sslang15 minutes ago from web

• A Roll Hamper – the kind of car you modified so you could fit a lot more sandwiches by the typically 90s grappling hook launcher #90sslang16 minutes ago from web

• No Duh, Grant – how pre-teens dealt with shadows they thought were stealing their secrets – #90sslang17 minutes ago from web

• Candy Man – a man whose sneakers were covered in glowing gems that he presumably found in one of those 90s UFOs #90sslang19 minutes ago from web

• Steppin Around – willfully disregarding the good of the clan by marrying a woman of the clan MacGreggor #90sslang19 minutes ago from web

• Plague – a way for rappers to spread death and chaos through rural areas without sanitation #90sslang20 minutes ago from web

• Bluejays Baseball Game – anything that was good, or super eg “This is a real bluejays baseball game, your majesty” #90sslang21 minutes ago from web

• Lady of Falcons – a “sister” who really had it “going on” in the “haunted vagina” full of “ghosts” – #90sslang22 minutes ago from web

• the Gray Mistress – the internet #90sslang23 minutes ago from web

• Talk-pipes – the internet #90sslang23 minutes ago from web

• Babe Dracula – a guy who likes to date pretty girls and then post about them on his all HTML webpage full of <hr>  tags #90sslang23 minutes ago from web

• Chesterfield Sunday – brutal slaying of children in a driveby, on a specially rigged sofa on wheels – #90sslang24 minutes ago from web

• Who is responsible for releasing the dogs out? – Question used to weed out weak links in the social hierarchy – #90sslang25 minutes ago from web

• Ka-Zong! – exultation of breaking free from one of those moist man sized cakes we used to get trapped in in the 90s #90sslang26 minutes ago from web

• Homeboat – A male urbanite whose home is in a rusty chest, that he thinks is a boat.  Nice try, ding dong. #90sslang26 minutes ago from web

• Serpent Wizard – A man who slithers around the dance floor, conjuring bats.  Who let that guy in?  #90sslang27 minutes ago from web

• Here are some 90′s slang terms you dont’ hear much anymore #90sslang

“Honey, I need my $20″, I yelled, the pizza guy getting anxious. but it was too late, she had found the woman i hid in my $20. #wifejokes

Q: What is a wife? A: A knife. #wifejokes

Q: Where does a wife go to enter her dormant phase and heal her deep cuts and wounds? A: Wherever her gestation capsule is buried, holmes.

I wasn’t scared. The eagle had no power over me, except for magic power, magic power that made me scared. #eaglejokes

I was on an escalator, or as I call it, a moving wife staircase that I may also travel on with my wife. #wifejokes

The perfect wife is always patient and lives in the moment. She lives in only one location in time, the Now. She is not a time traveler.

The perfect wife has 2 cups of milk ready. One is in case she drops a previous unspecified third cup of milk, and the 2nd is good too.

“Do you love me?” i asked the wife. But i didn’t need to know the answer. I was just robbing her. #wifejokes

Q: When does a wife learn? A: Between 4 and 6 PM, when her monitor takes its nap. #wifejokes

Q: What part of the wife is most virtuous? A: The Glass Part

Q: How close to the sun is that wife, anyway? A: 24,000 KM.

When a wife and her friends come in, don’t say “hey, it’s a bunch of hams.” They’re not hams. They are wives. Get it right, dumbo #wifejokes

She said she just wanted me to love her, and i said I just wanted a car with its own twitter account. There’s just no telling some people.

Gary has a new wife. What happened to the old wife? She grew a tail. Old Wife’s Tail is also a pun on old wive’s tale. #wifepuns

Wives for miles and miles, each one with her own ruby red sled, and a cap made of the finest leather. It was paradise #wifeparadise

“You are a bad criminal,” said the judge. “I sentence you to the worst punishment of all, to get married to a WIFE.” #ihatehavingawife

The face sucking alien stoped for a moment and let me breathe. That is when i saw that it wasn’t’ an alien at all, but Brenda, my wife

Sarah Palin is the WIFE version of George Bush. #wiveisbad

I was in Syria, being tortured, and they asked me if i wanted to call my wife. It was good to laugh again (At my wife) #wifeissostupid

What do you call a magic spell that can kill a penis and all the fun in the world just by being a total jerk? I call it “my wife” #wifepain

If space has a wife, i bet that’s why space doesn’t really give up any of its secrets very easily. Space is whipped. By a wife. #wifedays

Q: What’s worse than a dead dog? A: A live dog, that you are married to. If you are not married to it, its just a good friend. #dogwife

If your wife was a jar, good luck finding a place to put your nails and screws of different sizes. That jar will NEVER open #nosexwifejokes

If your wife was invisible but her clothes were not invisible it would be weird to see just her clothes. What a fuc*ing bit*h! #wherewife?

What’s that echo? Why, that’s just the sound of my bachelor days bouncing around in a big empty vagina. #bestwifejokesoftime

If your wife was a mountain she’d probably be Mount Nagsalot, or Mount Brenda. #brendanagswife

When my wife goes to the store, she really goes AROUND the store (to get what she wants to buy). #badoldwife

I was thinking of getting my wife a present, but then i remembered that wife is not good. Wife
is bad. hate wife.

Yesterday, my friend called me and my wife didnt’ even tell me. I dont’ understand why she would just try to hurt me all the time #truewife

I saw a website “wifeonwifeaction.com” What does it show? A wife standing on another wife’s shoulders to increase her cruelty range? #wifes

Q: How do you defeat wife? A: (working….)

Q: When does wife stop making sad?! A: Life is over, put dreams to sleep.

Wife is snake? Explains wife’s long pieces of skin and why wife eats mice. Oh, just snake actually. #justasnakenotawife

2 hours

Warning: The Following show contains Anthony Lapaglia. Viewer Discretion is advised.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the year

@emmafromtoronto I dont’ have opium, but i have the complete Andy Griffith show on dvd, and Barium. With that we can make opium.

I love chocolate covered almonds. I heard you can get them without the almonds now.

Kitchens are like diapers. They are white.

Feet come in many shapes and sizes and shoes.

Say what you want about him, but Saddam Hussein gave great hugs.

When i die bury me in advance, to save time.

(how will you know I am dead, you ask? It will be a matter of public record, I have nothing to hide.)

q: “How many whales does it take to screw in a lightbulb?” a: “they are jewish whales”

What do Habeas Corpus and Corpus Christi have in common? Nothing.

In the ancient past, it was called Lavahenge

“I’ll have a delicious Mr. Pepper, please. Oh (surprised) It looks like he’s gone to medical school!”

Fact: The original internet still had hind legs.

@torontoronto where are you going onto? To rontor, onto.

Try as i might, i just can’t win at the game of clams.

Does anyone else here smell that? it smells like friendship.

How many fingers am I holding up? All of them; i’m reaching for the stars.

I bought the book “the secret”, or did I?

One of my favourite yams is the one i had last christmas. One of my favourite hams? You guessed it, ham 49.

The following program is suitable for Anthony Lapaglia.

What good is a handshake, without a milkshake to wash it down with?

In ancient Babylon they viewed our time period as “the ancient future”. Change of perspective.

If civilization is to survive, we’re going to have to find a lot more plates.

Some tickles are best left unsaid, on the deadly planet of the tickletalkers. #tickletalkers

I think the world will end in 2012, or at the very least, I’ll get a headache.

I think in 2012 everyone will die, or at the very least, you will.

@chrislockefun What do you get when you cross a scarf and a fart? A shark.

@xflansx What do you get when you cross a dog and a car? A shitty dog that has a lot of explaining to do!

It’s true what they say: no one’s stronger than the 2nd strongest man. Except his own desires.

Can’t guess the weight of something at the zoo? Ask the lizard to use his scales.

Even though we didn’t know if the snake had left the house or not, we burned it down just the same. We
were two friends.

When light bulbs die we throw them away. Likewise, when you buy anything i throw it away.

@passoverisland I think I know why people overlook you. check out @stonefaces for some tips

Hey, 1984 called, they want their jeans back. Also, I have a phone that talks to 1984. Cool eh?

It’s 20 minutes past the hour, deadly ionized gas seeping through the dome, and a new track from beyonce
drops after traffic and weather.

If someone asks you for your number, i think you should start by reminding them that they are under oath.

Life is what happens when we are making other people wait.

Bread is pretty amazing, considering you only have two weeks to live. Good old bread.

My hybrid car is half lexus, half tiger. It’s a joke about the use of the word hybrid.

When god closes a door, he opens a window in that door big enough for his allies to get out of. But not you.
You like chips too much, eh?

When god closes a door, it’s a good bet its because he doesn’t’ want anyone to see how untidy it is in there.
That’s true for me, too.

Guilt is just the name we give to how bad we feel when we commit crimes, that’s all.

Clams are nature’s way of saying “maybe there’s a pearl in here, but there’s certainly a wet mess, either
way.”

If you think about it, all channels are “public access”. I access them through the civic TV, in the town square.

#obviouswetthings Q: WHat is a whale? A: Wet.

Q: What is a whale? A: An ally.

When is a horse not a horse? When it’s sleeping.

Have you seen mister housecalls? Doctor of the Hostpital? Hugh Laurie is great in it.

@nountalker Stone.