Toronto Breakfast Vestments

As birthday season rolls around, i started thinking about the best things to hear at a birthday.

• Open it up. not your present, but the emotional powderkeg you’ve been sitting on. I mean the gunpowderkeg you’ve been sitting on. I mean light that gunpowder you’re sitting on. that’s your present!
• Alright, everyone, put down the butterfly wands and come sit around the birthday boy while he explains why we’re wasting our time here with butterfly wands.
• Jen, come down from there immediately. Or don’t. Which is it?!
• I didn’t know which size fit you best, so i bought you every shirt in the store. no just kidding, its a large.
• That’s funny, i also had a dream last night, but in mine everyone was regarded with dignity. I call it dream 48, named after Train 48, which was the only manifestation of that dream i’ve ever seen in real life. The dignity of it all.
• Okay Grandma, put your hands in these wet holes in the side of this thing. Do you feel anything? You do? Shit, call the cops. I mean. (singing to the tune of happy birthday) Shit, call the cops.
• Now i want you to remember, we can always return the gift if you don’t like it, but it might die if we do that. If you can live with a dog maybe dying in a shelter, then okay, go right ahead and return it. Anyway, open your gift, can you guess what it is?
• I know you wanted that passport to imagination “Lord of the Rings” on bluray. All i’m saying is, so what?
• Everybody, close your eyes and close your mouths as tightly as you can. Whatever’s about to happen can easily get in your mouths.
• Who wants to cut the cake other than my son?
• Yep, more LEGO. Naw, its megablox. Sorry. OH wait, it’s LEGO. Well, there are no accidents, that’s what I always say.

At a 30th birthday.

• I used to really have a crush on you and you never took advantage of that and now we’re both old and gross so who cares, right?
• Yep, now a birthday is just having a beer with a couple of bald guys. Drink up though, we all have to go home to sleep becuase we have jobs to get up for.
• For my birthday, i got chilli pepper lights for my one bedroom apartment, and an asian lantern to put over the bare lightbulb in my lonely one bedroom apartment.

at a 100th birthday

• No, just stitch the sack closed. He won’t notice. He will? Well, we won’t notice, and we’re the ones paying you to put him in a sack.
• Wanna go surfing? I’m just kidding, I know you’d be way too scared to go surfing. You’re not too scared to go hugging though are you? No? Okay. Bring in the young boys for their naked hugs.
• If you leave the candles unblown, then you technically aren’t 100 yet and you wont’ age! So don’t blow those out whatever you do! *ACHOO* Oh shoot sorry. Happy 100th! Yay!

200th birthday

• Today we gather to celebrate the birth of the Principality of Hisperia, which, 200 years ago today, was founded by an old tycoon, his gangly friend, their military of 4 guys in period costumes, and a wise-cracking baby who played the trumpet.