So this is what it was like to be dead. It wasn’t that bad actually. It was basically the same as being at a billy joel concert. Actually, since billy joel was a musician from 9 trillion or so years in my past, i had no idea whether that reference was amusing, but in my short stint in the 21st century i’m pretty sure i heard basically 30 or so people say that, and everyone around them laughed in the manner of the era, violently, through the lone oral cavity of the face. Imagine, laughing and eating in the same place. disgusting.
I am dead, by the way. I was in the frown when I failed to pass myself off as food it could digest. And so it expelled me. Or so i think. For all i know i coul dbe alive and just think i’m dead. According to the Deepaks of Chopron 9, believing you are dead is the same as being dead. However, people who are not stupid frequently point out that it isnt’ the same at all.
I made it a goal to ask the next person i saw whehter I was, indeed, dead, or whether I was, indeed, only convinced I was dead and needed merely to rouse myself back to consonance with the universe’s symphonic whole by means of right thinking. And i wouldnt’ have to wait long. it seemed that death was a spartan space, but nonetheless sparely crowded with enough people that it would be a piece of cake to sneak up to one of them and ask them a simple question and be out of ther ebefore they’d even noticed you. I put on my best sneaking face and began sneakfacing towards people. Not just any people. one person particular. Checkmate. One might even say, chestmake. Imagine saying that though.
I zipped up to the first man in the place who i could zip up to, and asked him, quite imperceptibly, “am i dead?”
He took no notice of me. My plan was working perfectly. I had no only to receive my answer and I oculd be occulted by his ignorance and secret meself back to my originiation point. However, it was to prove a lengthy wait, one far longer than the great Minor Wait, the universe’s shortest wait recorded, or the minor Great Wait, the world’s smallest longest wait of history’s universe. or even the great G Minor Wait, the time it takes for a musician to realize that he’s playing G Minor, when no one around him is really in the mood for that kind of chord. Indeed, i waited for some time longer than those waits combined, and then some. (some time i mean). Was I dead? The question returned to me like a shitty boomerang, covered in a dog’s shit and bird’s shit and maybe some egg that wasnt’ cooked. Just spinning and flinging all that eggy shit on me. It was just horrible.
Finally, with a start, the man noticed me, defeating my plan, but beginning his own. Apparently, he planned now to start telling me whether i was dead. Little did he know, his plan played right into mine. Fool…
to be continued.
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