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Day 23: Jackets, Packets, and Rackets

futureccapemeanwhile, our friendly companion in his invisible shame-powered destiny-based suit searches for his missing friend, our protagonist (name deleted).

Shame. Shame. I had to find someone to shame. The suit’s power was running low, and if it ran out in its present invisible state, it would be stuck invisible forever. IT was not entirely a terrible proespect, but it meant that people would probably never understand how it was i was able to do all the marvellous things i could do, as they could not see the apparent explanation of the suit. Needless to say, taking credit for the work of a funny sci fi type suit was essentially one of the worst Sharms.

Click to continue reading “Day 23: Jackets, Packets, and Rackets”

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Wife Jokes for Rainy Days

funny postWife unwilling to give you back rub? Try this magic cloak on. It makes it feel like you don’t even have a wife. #wifejokes

“Honey, I need my $20″, I yelled, the pizza guy getting anxious. but it was too late, she had found the woman i hid in my $20. #wifejokes

Q: What is a wife? A: A knife. #wifejokes

Q: Where does a wife go to enter her dormant phase and heal her deep cuts and wounds? A: Wherever her gestation capsule is buried, holmes.

I wasn’t scared. The eagle had no power over me, except for magic power, magic power that made me scared. #eaglejokes

I was on an escalator, or as I call it, a moving wife staircase that I may also travel on with my wife. #wifejokes

The perfect wife is always patient and lives in the moment. She lives in only one location in time, the Now. She is not a time traveler.

The perfect wife has 2 cups of milk ready. One is in case she drops a previous unspecified third cup of milk, and the 2nd is good too.

“Do you love me?” i asked the wife. But i didn’t need to know the answer. I was just robbing her. #wifejokes

Q: When does a wife learn? A: Between 4 and 6 PM, when her monitor takes its nap. #wifejokes

Q: What part of the wife is most virtuous? A: The Glass Part

Q: How close to the sun is that wife, anyway? A: 24,000 KM.

When a wife and her friends come in, don’t say “hey, it’s a bunch of hams.” They’re not hams. They are wives. Get it right, dumbo #wifejokes

She said she just wanted me to love her, and i said I just wanted a car with its own twitter account. There’s just no telling some people.

Gary has a new wife. What happened to the old wife? She grew a tail. Old Wife’s Tail is also a pun on old wive’s tale. #wifepuns

Wives for miles and miles, each one with her own ruby red sled, and a cap made of the finest leather. It was paradise #wifeparadise

“You are a bad criminal,” said the judge. “I sentence you to the worst punishment of all, to get married to a WIFE.” #ihatehavingawife

The face sucking alien stoped for a moment and let me breathe. That is when i saw that it wasn’t’ an alien at all, but Brenda, my wife

Sarah Palin is the WIFE version of George Bush. #wiveisbad

I was in Syria, being tortured, and they asked me if i wanted to call my wife. It was good to laugh again (At my wife) #wifeissostupid

What do you call a magic spell that can kill a penis and all the fun in the world just by being a total jerk? I call it “my wife” #wifepain

If space has a wife, i bet that’s why space doesn’t really give up any of its secrets very easily. Space is whipped. By a wife. #wifedays

Q: What’s worse than a dead dog? A: A live dog, that you are married to. If you are not married to it, its just a good friend. #dogwife

If your wife was a jar, good luck finding a place to put your nails and screws of different sizes. That jar will NEVER open #nosexwifejokes

If your wife was invisible but her clothes were not invisible it would be weird to see just her clothes. What a fuc*ing bit*h! #wherewife?

What’s that echo? Why, that’s just the sound of my bachelor days bouncing around in a big empty vagina. #bestwifejokesoftime

If your wife was a mountain she’d probably be Mount Nagsalot, or Mount Brenda. #brendanagswife

When my wife goes to the store, she really goes AROUND the store (to get what she wants to buy). #badoldwife

I was thinking of getting my wife a present, but then i remembered that wife is not good. Wife
is bad. hate wife.

Yesterday, my friend called me and my wife didnt’ even tell me. I dont’ understand why she would just try to hurt me all the time #truewife

I saw a website “wifeonwifeaction.com” What does it show? A wife standing on another wife’s shoulders to increase her cruelty range? #wifes

Q: How do you defeat wife? A: (working….)

Q: When does wife stop making sad?! A: Life is over, put dreams to sleep.

Wife is snake? Explains wife’s long pieces of skin and why wife eats mice. Oh, just snake actually. #justasnakenotawife

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Ghost Days

funny post From twitter.com/pdfformat

Ghost Days

• Kevin eyed the ghost and had an idea. “What if we work together?” Kevin and the Ghost are now both 20 years old. #ghostdays

• “Go long, Ghost!” said kevin. The ghost misunderstood and he stretched his body out very long. The football is now in this museum #ghostdays

• “I like girls, I mean, ghouls!” said Ghost at the sleepover. Kevin was already asleep, so ghost surfed the net then crashed. #ghostdays

• I’m not sure my dad loves me, kevin revealed. The ghost could talk in kevin’s dad’s voice, so he said “I’m a ghost!” in it. #ghostdays

• Even if it was just ionization, hugging the ghost was the best feeling Kevin ever felt indoors. Summer was almost over. #ghostdays

• They looked at the fish nipping at the lake’s surface like they were eating the constellations reflected in it. We were at peace #ghostdays

• WHen the ghost told me it was time for me to see his “special secret”, i was hesitant. But, In the forest depths he showed me his skeleton.

• “I was killed by robbers and left here to bake in the sun, but all of that is over now, now that I have you” said the ghost #ghostdays

• I’ll never forget how that ghost somehow put me in his skeleton and took my body and runs a store now. Ahh, summer. #ghostdays

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A poem

funny postYou are my all
– David Dineen-Porter

You are my all,
you are the broad house, gabled and arched against time,
you are the solar winds from which my comet’s tail blooms, streaking rain that defines me against the black fathomless deep of space
you are the autumn slip, the rain, a reminder of a bidden time of cupboards and buckles,
you are the last person to see me alive
you are wanted for questioning by the York region Police

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Day 22: An old friend, and a new one

futureccapeMeanwhile, back at the hospital, the two strangers who crashed into the clock tower on old city hall had just arrived…

Having waited for some time in the oubliet where the families of patients were abandoned, I decided to sing some more tunes to my fellow inmates. Numerous professionals of the hospital attempted to crush my burgeoning musical spirit, but I was resolute. I flashed my index finger and told them that they didn’t own me, that I was my own man, that I could do what I liked, and that I was a being composed of elements no heavier than iron. They were aware of all those facts, they told me, and wanted to see me in private. This was good news. I had probably won a prize.

I walked with two large men, both named Security Man (as far as i was concerned) to a small enclave near the emergency entrance of the hospital. I knew i recognized this hospital, i’d seen it before. THe torpidscraller I was using to track down my victims had it displayed on the packaging actually, as an indication of the kind of flashy memory you might be able to read if only you purchased this brand of torpidscraller.

There, at the entrance, I was enthroned in a regal chair with stately handcuffs attached to an imperious metal clasp. Restrained in grandeur befitting my status, I was again abandoned by lesser primitives of this backward world to consider my own nutrients in private. Good old Glucose, master of the blood.

The truth was that nomatter how many nutrients I considered, (excluding ghost-calcium) I could only think about my buddy. Somewhere inside the hospital he lay, vomiting and asking for change, deep in his flashback to his time spent in hobo-nam. Ye shall be avenged, I pretended. They were probably tubing him up and down with their primitive tubes. And where was I? In some little office spot, with all the nutrients i coudl think of, just mentally enjoying the cycles and rhythms of my body (and any lady’s body too, you know what I mean?).

The waiting was killing me. I took invintory of the items i could see with my eyes wide open, visually scanning with actual real working eyes. I saw the table, the cuffs, the clasp. the clock on the wall that looked like the face of Sir Numberface, who sold me the magic cloak that let me pass through wisconsin undetected. But based on my knowledge of this time period, i knew that the security boys were probably calling the police boys. They woudl totally bust me! Nats!

This was the kind of situation where ordinarily i might give up hope, but ordinarily, I didn’t have exactly the person i was waiting for come into the room i was in, dressed as a doctor, and hugging my body and kissing my face.

“Hey, buddy, what happened to you? did they give you those new clothes?”

“Who cares about my clothes,” he replied in this room with me, “I just cant’ beelive you are here. they think you’ve vanished. i should have known you’d be okay.”

“Vanished? Vanished? OOOH NO.” It was the kind of meaningful realization that I get to have where you dont’ get to know the details until later in the book. It was that kind of realization that only happens to me, and then later, you know, you go back and say “OF COURSE”. Suffice it to say, I “magically got out of my handcuffs and zapped the guy and escaped”.

to be continued…

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Bitter End Ep2 – Second Chances

THE BITTER END – EPISODE 2: Second Chances from The Bitter End on Vimeo.

I laughed and someone heard it, so it must have been out loud.

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Signs your girlfriend is cheating on you

funny post1. She buys books

2. She has a cell phone.

3. She hangs out in graveyards

4. Smells like someone is cooking breakfast.

5. you hear howling, but see nothing.

6. She asks to borrow your car for a day, but doesn’t need to borrow the keys.

7. She takes your blood to the blood bank, but takes longer than usual.

8. She has the albums of Ozzy Osborne on her ipod, and her ipod has a picture of her in a coffin on it.

9. She can turn into a mist or fog.

10. Since drinking the blood of your friend stephen that one time, she fears the sun and likes dogs suddenly

11. She talks about “having a delicious baby”, but is on birth control

12. two words, she’s acting weird and wont’ look you in the eye, when she does, you black out

13. You keep waking up with Stephen looming over you, and not in a good way.

14. When you call her cell phone, her answering machine is just her hissing and saying “Nocturus Mortis”

15. She keeps saying “the sound of your thoughts is deafening, but not for much longer.”

16. She doesnt’ wear underwear anymore, she claims “for easy access for Stephen”

17.She’s currently burying you in a grave while she and one of your old friends feed on a stranger.

18. She doesn’t dig you up and let you out of this coffin for an awkwardly long time.

19. You have no oxygen to breathe, because she probably breathed it all with some other guy.

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Day 21: Things furled and unfurled are unfurled and furled respectively

futureccapeMeanwihle, inside the Pale Frown of the Universe…

“I think Obama’s honey-moon is over.”

The firmament arched like a vast emptiness like the emptiness between Matrimonions, the married onions that act as surrogate married couples for people in love who dont’ want to ruin that good feeling. My plan wasn’t working. banality might be insufficient, like a clown with an egg. Yet I couldn’t think of anything else to do.

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Twitter A Tweet A Two

funny postI got bored and saw how many hours i could twitter incessantly without thought.

2 hours

Warning: The Following show contains Anthony Lapaglia. Viewer Discretion is advised.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the year

@emmafromtoronto I dont’ have opium, but i have the complete Andy Griffith show on dvd, and Barium. With that we can make opium.

I love chocolate covered almonds. I heard you can get them without the almonds now.

Kitchens are like diapers. They are white.

Feet come in many shapes and sizes and shoes.

Say what you want about him, but Saddam Hussein gave great hugs.

When i die bury me in advance, to save time.

(how will you know I am dead, you ask? It will be a matter of public record, I have nothing to hide.)

q: “How many whales does it take to screw in a lightbulb?” a: “they are jewish whales”

What do Habeas Corpus and Corpus Christi have in common? Nothing.

In the ancient past, it was called Lavahenge

“I’ll have a delicious Mr. Pepper, please. Oh (surprised) It looks like he’s gone to medical school!”

Fact: The original internet still had hind legs.

@torontoronto where are you going onto? To rontor, onto.

Try as i might, i just can’t win at the game of clams.

Does anyone else here smell that? it smells like friendship.

How many fingers am I holding up? All of them; i’m reaching for the stars.

I bought the book “the secret”, or did I?

One of my favourite yams is the one i had last christmas. One of my favourite hams? You guessed it, ham 49.

The following program is suitable for Anthony Lapaglia.

What good is a handshake, without a milkshake to wash it down with?

In ancient Babylon they viewed our time period as “the ancient future”. Change of perspective.

If civilization is to survive, we’re going to have to find a lot more plates.

Some tickles are best left unsaid, on the deadly planet of the tickletalkers. #tickletalkers

I think the world will end in 2012, or at the very least, I’ll get a headache.

I think in 2012 everyone will die, or at the very least, you will.

@chrislockefun What do you get when you cross a scarf and a fart? A shark.

@xflansx What do you get when you cross a dog and a car? A shitty dog that has a lot of explaining to do!

It’s true what they say: no one’s stronger than the 2nd strongest man. Except his own desires.

Can’t guess the weight of something at the zoo? Ask the lizard to use his scales.

Even though we didn’t know if the snake had left the house or not, we burned it down just the same. We
were two friends.

When light bulbs die we throw them away. Likewise, when you buy anything i throw it away.

@passoverisland I think I know why people overlook you. check out @stonefaces for some tips

Hey, 1984 called, they want their jeans back. Also, I have a phone that talks to 1984. Cool eh?

It’s 20 minutes past the hour, deadly ionized gas seeping through the dome, and a new track from beyonce
drops after traffic and weather.

If someone asks you for your number, i think you should start by reminding them that they are under oath.

Life is what happens when we are making other people wait.

Bread is pretty amazing, considering you only have two weeks to live. Good old bread.

My hybrid car is half lexus, half tiger. It’s a joke about the use of the word hybrid.

When god closes a door, he opens a window in that door big enough for his allies to get out of. But not you.
You like chips too much, eh?

When god closes a door, it’s a good bet its because he doesn’t’ want anyone to see how untidy it is in there.
That’s true for me, too.

Guilt is just the name we give to how bad we feel when we commit crimes, that’s all.

Clams are nature’s way of saying “maybe there’s a pearl in here, but there’s certainly a wet mess, either
way.”

If you think about it, all channels are “public access”. I access them through the civic TV, in the town square.

#obviouswetthings Q: WHat is a whale? A: Wet.

Q: What is a whale? A: An ally.

When is a horse not a horse? When it’s sleeping.

Have you seen mister housecalls? Doctor of the Hostpital? Hugh Laurie is great in it.

@nountalker Stone.

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The Bitter End – EPISODE 1

My very funny friend, who says he’s not a comedian (but he is. Oh he surely is), Dan Beirne, has created this wonderful web series. Episode 1 made me do laughs right out of my shirt.

THE BITTER END – EPISODE 1: Casual Encounters from The Bitter End on Vimeo.

If you dont’ like this, your tastes are different than mine.

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