I got bored and saw how many hours i could twitter incessantly without thought.
Warning: The Following show contains Anthony Lapaglia. Viewer Discretion is advised.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the year
@emmafromtoronto I dont’ have opium, but i have the complete Andy Griffith show on dvd, and Barium. With that we can make opium.
I love chocolate covered almonds. I heard you can get them without the almonds now.
Kitchens are like diapers. They are white.
Feet come in many shapes and sizes and shoes.
Say what you want about him, but Saddam Hussein gave great hugs.
When i die bury me in advance, to save time.
(how will you know I am dead, you ask? It will be a matter of public record, I have nothing to hide.)
q: “How many whales does it take to screw in a lightbulb?” a: “they are jewish whales”
What do Habeas Corpus and Corpus Christi have in common? Nothing.
In the ancient past, it was called Lavahenge
“I’ll have a delicious Mr. Pepper, please. Oh (surprised) It looks like he’s gone to medical school!”
Fact: The original internet still had hind legs.
@torontoronto where are you going onto? To rontor, onto.
Try as i might, i just can’t win at the game of clams.
Does anyone else here smell that? it smells like friendship.
How many fingers am I holding up? All of them; i’m reaching for the stars.
I bought the book “the secret”, or did I?
One of my favourite yams is the one i had last christmas. One of my favourite hams? You guessed it, ham 49.
The following program is suitable for Anthony Lapaglia.
What good is a handshake, without a milkshake to wash it down with?
In ancient Babylon they viewed our time period as “the ancient future”. Change of perspective.
If civilization is to survive, we’re going to have to find a lot more plates.
Some tickles are best left unsaid, on the deadly planet of the tickletalkers. #tickletalkers
I think the world will end in 2012, or at the very least, I’ll get a headache.
I think in 2012 everyone will die, or at the very least, you will.
@chrislockefun What do you get when you cross a scarf and a fart? A shark.
@xflansx What do you get when you cross a dog and a car? A shitty dog that has a lot of explaining to do!
It’s true what they say: no one’s stronger than the 2nd strongest man. Except his own desires.
Can’t guess the weight of something at the zoo? Ask the lizard to use his scales.
Even though we didn’t know if the snake had left the house or not, we burned it down just the same. We
were two friends.
When light bulbs die we throw them away. Likewise, when you buy anything i throw it away.
@passoverisland I think I know why people overlook you. check out @stonefaces for some tips
Hey, 1984 called, they want their jeans back. Also, I have a phone that talks to 1984. Cool eh?
It’s 20 minutes past the hour, deadly ionized gas seeping through the dome, and a new track from beyonce
drops after traffic and weather.
If someone asks you for your number, i think you should start by reminding them that they are under oath.
Life is what happens when we are making other people wait.
Bread is pretty amazing, considering you only have two weeks to live. Good old bread.
My hybrid car is half lexus, half tiger. It’s a joke about the use of the word hybrid.
When god closes a door, he opens a window in that door big enough for his allies to get out of. But not you.
You like chips too much, eh?
When god closes a door, it’s a good bet its because he doesn’t’ want anyone to see how untidy it is in there.
That’s true for me, too.
Guilt is just the name we give to how bad we feel when we commit crimes, that’s all.
Clams are nature’s way of saying “maybe there’s a pearl in here, but there’s certainly a wet mess, either
If you think about it, all channels are “public access”. I access them through the civic TV, in the town square.
#obviouswetthings Q: WHat is a whale? A: Wet.
Q: What is a whale? A: An ally.
When is a horse not a horse? When it’s sleeping.
Have you seen mister housecalls? Doctor of the Hostpital? Hugh Laurie is great in it.