Toronto Breakfast Vestments

The future of art

Here is just a little speculative essay based on my disciplines in history and sociology. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

First of all, it should be noted that there are 2 dominant theories about the “emergence” of ADHD. Psychiatrists assume that ADHD has always existed, it obviously didn’t evolve in the 1980s, however, since about 2% of adults have ADHD, the question arose if it was part of the neurotypology of mankind, just a variety of normal, or some kind of “other” neurology. It’s debated quite hotly whether alternative neurologies, such as autism, adhd, bipolar, etc… are abnormal or malfunctioning brains, or simply part of the spectrum of natural neurologies. One school argues that ADHD actually represents the “norm” for humans. There is an argument that essentially all humans were impulsive, exploratory, creative, impatient, and strongly emotional, with personal initiative.

I frequently try to get into the Onion, but i always fail.  Here are some of the ones i think are still not bad.

NASA finds wine on the moon.

Lance Armstrong announces retirement from being an asshole

Jack-o-lantern fright victim regains consciousness – Pitched November 15th around

Not enough blame to go around – this is essentially exactly what the onion does

Man can’t visualize own success – forgot the word “area” at the beginning of this one, apparently

Naughty children tapped for long mars mission. – awww

I think those would have made great Onion Slappers.

I hear this is how everyone gets a TV show.  They get funny or die to give them one.

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In the history field, Canadians, as we know, are all immigrants from somewhere, not so of Americans, who were generated from pinecones by men, presumably from Atlantis, over 10,000 years ago.  This explains why Americans smell like air freshener and every few weeks, spread open their papules to emit seeds into the air.

In war, Canadians are famous for winning the battle of 1812, no less than 30 times, and always on the haunted ground of the Plains of Abraham, whereas Americans won the war of 1812 only twice, both times while it was raining though, so it doesn’t really count.

Did you know that the Americans invented the first cough?  I didn’t!  But Canada has a list of inventions of its own.  It invented insulin, and the apostrophe, which was originally used to inject insulin into conversations!

In Canadian schools, the students learn to read and write, do arithmetic, and understand the environment.  In am American school, children are brought in and rubbed against a vast felt shoe until they get hungry, then they are put in box with an egg incase they get bored.

Did you know that when Canadians die, because Terry Fox ran to Manitoba, we turn into a fine gold powder?  It’s a good thing we were accidentally born within the same geographical boundaries as Terry Fox, otherwise, we’d do what Americans do when they die, which is gradually decay.

It is now an established scientific fact that the only way to kill a vampire is to plunge a flagpole into his heart bearing the American flag.

A lot of American teens get pregnant every year, which wouldn’t happen if they weren’t so lazy, and would wash their greasy pregnant hands once in a while.

America had the foresight to import black people so that it could have an unfair advantage in the music, film, and outrrrrrraaaageous comedy industries, cornering the market, and creating trade rules that force the superior Canadian artists to rely on boring and uninteresting material, in a vain effort to turn their skin black.  Eddie Murphey was once Alex Sanders, of Moncton New Brunswick. (show close up of eddie murphey’s mouth from a picture where it is open, and reveal two eyes and a white face inside the back of his throath)

Math facts

It was actually the myans who first invented zero, but they didn’t realize what it was, because they kept covering it with leaves and feeding it popcorn.

The ancient Israelites cut the tips off of their 4s, making them small enough to fit inside fives, which explains the jewish expression all 5s are 9s, and 5 – 4 is insane.

The Chinese minus sign was originally made out of lead, and resulted in transforming the mathematician population of china into the corpse population of the Chinese math corpse theme village, in which the corpses of mathematicians were dropped unexpectedly on pregnant women.  This was considered “pregnancy” by the Chinese at the time, as they had not yet discovered that the babies this action produced were nothing more then rotten organs falling from broken mathematicians, and not the terrifying Chinese babies we know today from the movie gremlins.

The ancient celts didn’t need pi to calculate the circumference of a circle, they needed it to calculate the circumference of their dreams.  Dream on celts, dream on, for duration times pi over Wednesday equals imagination!

Autodestruct sequence armed, said math, we have only 20 seconds left!

Dammit, we can’t leave until we know how many of those 20 seconds each of us 5 gets, considering sarge gets twice as many seconds as the rest of us, and we all get the same amount!  We’re history!” cried neville

Math threw back his bald head and laughed.

“I told you it was lucky he got posted to this brigade, Sarge” said Kevin.

“I’m putting you in for a commendation math”

“Come on, she’s gonna BLOW!”

Jendelson, come here quickly.  My octometer is broken.  Tell me, how 8 is this 8 on your octometer?  Really?  Thanks man, I guess I should have known you’d turn out alright, my sister has good taste in husbands.  Look out behind you!  A sky-4!  And it’s got binary babies!

The opposite of addition is subtraction, but the opposite of subtraction is living well and being kind to your enemies.

Many captains have remarked that using a simple device constructed of a 9 on the end of a string, they could at last sleep easily, knowing that a 9 was on the end of a string, somewhere, somehow, and that the 9 was bright red.

Math was invented to determine how wealthy people were.  Before math, people simply threw sand at each other and asked for a receipt.  Oh cruel fate!  Rueful spite!

Scientists predict that in the future a new mathematical operation called hyper-addition will usurp the role of both addition and multiplication, at which point numbers will start to mysteriously go missing.  Only surly detective Dan Trakes and his mismatch new rookie partner the streetwise rapper DJ Dandy Dan can find out what Trakes already knows, that math is now legally the domain of girls, because of the girls are math and vice versa law of 2267.  The movie ends with everyone wearing shirts.

5 is the only number with an exoskeleton.  4 is the only number with an internal 5.

Math was threatened in the 1920s because of a disasterous fraction fire, probably started by one of those 9ths.  I’m not a racist, but I don’t trust black people one bit.  And there was a fire in the 20s.

The only reason you can’t divide a prime number by any other number than itself and 1 is because of those strange glowing crowns they wear.  If only I could get my hands on one of them and bring it back to my lab.  Then my dad wouldn’t DARE divide me by 5!

Piece of advice, get off the heroin 11, looking pretty skinny.  It’s starting to show.

Triangles are the only shape in nature with their own innate ethnicity.  Though their ethnicity differs from our version.  Triangle ethnicity is a burning hot acid, whereas for us, it is a long white fish, which needs way too much attention, if you ask me.

Most feared of all the Viking ratios was 4:9, because

Very rough demo.

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The lyrics are hard to make out

Verse  1

I dreamed a cold dream of November

In the middle of july

I felt the dying of the embers

As wind came creeping by

I tried to call to you to end it

But I hadn’t any voice

It seemed appalling you would leave it

But you didn’t have a choice

I wish I could wake up

Bring me back to life

I dreamd a white dream of December

Where the trees looked just like nerves

And all the leaves lay buried sleeping

Underneath the frozen earth

I tried to call the sun to wake up

But I didn’t know the words

It seemed to me we’d never make it

When the sun had never heard

that’s when I woke up

you brought me back to life!

If you hold me now

I’d get back to sleep

Could you hold me now

Would you hold me now

Could you hold

Me now

Hold me now now (Etc.)

The ending of the year

The dreams have come and they have gone

The months compile on one another

Winter proudly marches on

And still the haunting of last summer

Lingers on these bedroom walls

The digesting of the memory

That I hardly can recall

So hold me now

Just hold me now

I think if your teens are years of believing you know everything, but being entirely subject to your emotions as though they were external conditions, and your early 20s is realizing you have some say in how you feel, but you know more than older people becuase they’ve given up and stopped experimenting, just shifting into neutral and becoming what philip k dick called androids (in that essay on how people and androids are the same organism with different mindsets), then the late 20s and early 30s are being so happy that your expeirment succeeded that you continue, rewarded that doing things your own way worked, or being so miserable that your experiment failed that you give in and learn ‘society’s way’.  Young people are right, not old people.  They are right, and have to live an extra 50 years to learn how right they used to be before they became very wrong.  What a terrible punishment.  Do people not tell young people they’re right because they’re embarassed that they gave up?

My teenage years

Check out this old map i drew when i was 19

As birthday season rolls around, i started thinking about the best things to hear at a birthday.

• Open it up. not your present, but the emotional powderkeg you’ve been sitting on. I mean the gunpowderkeg you’ve been sitting on. I mean light that gunpowder you’re sitting on. that’s your present!
• Alright, everyone, put down the butterfly wands and come sit around the birthday boy while he explains why we’re wasting our time here with butterfly wands.
• Jen, come down from there immediately. Or don’t. Which is it?!
• I didn’t know which size fit you best, so i bought you every shirt in the store. no just kidding, its a large.
• That’s funny, i also had a dream last night, but in mine everyone was regarded with dignity. I call it dream 48, named after Train 48, which was the only manifestation of that dream i’ve ever seen in real life. The dignity of it all.
• Okay Grandma, put your hands in these wet holes in the side of this thing. Do you feel anything? You do? Shit, call the cops. I mean. (singing to the tune of happy birthday) Shit, call the cops.
• Now i want you to remember, we can always return the gift if you don’t like it, but it might die if we do that. If you can live with a dog maybe dying in a shelter, then okay, go right ahead and return it. Anyway, open your gift, can you guess what it is?
• I know you wanted that passport to imagination “Lord of the Rings” on bluray. All i’m saying is, so what?
• Everybody, close your eyes and close your mouths as tightly as you can. Whatever’s about to happen can easily get in your mouths.
• Who wants to cut the cake other than my son?
• Yep, more LEGO. Naw, its megablox. Sorry. OH wait, it’s LEGO. Well, there are no accidents, that’s what I always say.

At a 30th birthday.

• I used to really have a crush on you and you never took advantage of that and now we’re both old and gross so who cares, right?
• Yep, now a birthday is just having a beer with a couple of bald guys. Drink up though, we all have to go home to sleep becuase we have jobs to get up for.
• For my birthday, i got chilli pepper lights for my one bedroom apartment, and an asian lantern to put over the bare lightbulb in my lonely one bedroom apartment.

at a 100th birthday

• No, just stitch the sack closed. He won’t notice. He will? Well, we won’t notice, and we’re the ones paying you to put him in a sack.
• Wanna go surfing? I’m just kidding, I know you’d be way too scared to go surfing. You’re not too scared to go hugging though are you? No? Okay. Bring in the young boys for their naked hugs.
• If you leave the candles unblown, then you technically aren’t 100 yet and you wont’ age! So don’t blow those out whatever you do! *ACHOO* Oh shoot sorry. Happy 100th! Yay!

200th birthday

• Today we gather to celebrate the birth of the Principality of Hisperia, which, 200 years ago today, was founded by an old tycoon, his gangly friend, their military of 4 guys in period costumes, and a wise-cracking baby who played the trumpet.